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I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Roombas should bark
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.