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Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
In Canada they just call them geese
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx