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Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
scares
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?