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[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
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Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Boy never ceases to amaze me
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“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
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Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
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Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.