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Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
I’m having an out of money experience.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I’m probably too old to be driving around the roundabout and thinking wheeeeee as I do it, but what the hell.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.