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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
That de-escalated quickly
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Not today. 😅
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff