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a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Hotels are back
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.