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The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
gm
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
