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Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Basketball games are very squeaky.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.