You Might Also Like
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”