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Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Harsh but fair
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.