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I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
2023 was just a warmup
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]