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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
i hope my email finds you on fire
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like