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Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
they really do be looking like this
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
*seductively corrects your posture*
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.