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Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
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*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
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my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Cat is stressing him out.
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What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
The honesty is refreshing
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*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.