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Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
lmao
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE