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My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”