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I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.