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Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
That’s enough internet for the day
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
starting a garage orchestra
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.