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Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
sugar glider wrangler
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.