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you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?