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Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
sigh
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi