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My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
c’mon!
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.