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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
that wasn’t the question
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.