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What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
WHY would you be happy about this?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.