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Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
monday
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.