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Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
When you put it that way… 😂
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave