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ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I’ve had worse
welp
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Me in tagged photos
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions