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Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.