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CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*