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*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
When you’re Kinky but poor
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know