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If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Good morning
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.