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My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
What do you hear?
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.