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[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.