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At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
The smoothest fall of all time
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week