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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
This could be us but you eatin’
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel