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Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
lol
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.