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Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids