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I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Help
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I ate everything, including the H.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly