You Might Also Like
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
make up your mind
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.