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Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.