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Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
#Caturday
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad