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[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.