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If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Hawk o the mornin tuah
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Church Pugh’s
