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*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
What kind of a cult is this?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
When I laugh on my period
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now