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I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.