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Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
this is the news I live for
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“We will wed,” I threatened
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store