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[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us