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“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.