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Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Duolingo getting serious.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Snack for election night!
