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You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?