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*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge