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Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Batman v Dracula
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks