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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Where’s my employee discount too?
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
what do you want
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Nomnomnomnom
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
a public service announcement
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
thanks auntie mary
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.