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What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
.. do you even science?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no