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Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
there has never been a better use of this meme
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
real
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.