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one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…