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*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.