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Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!