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To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
💀💀
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.