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I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I have a new favorite meme page
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]