You Might Also Like
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
my one true gender
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Wait a minute
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
