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my proudest tweet
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.