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We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.