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it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave