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Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*