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I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
If you know, you know
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
She was REALLY feeling it.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.