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[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.