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JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
You had me at “define legal”.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
.. do you even science?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.