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[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
