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“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
What’s so funny?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.