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Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man