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my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
This will teach them to underestimate me
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.