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It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.