You Might Also Like
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
fired
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
That’s it.I’m out.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
