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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Netflix and you sit over there.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Blocked: 1985
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.