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[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
house sitting!
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.