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i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round