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james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
When I snag the last meatball.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Wednesday
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them