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Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.