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A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off
people do NOT like that joke
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…