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Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Blocked: 1985
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.