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My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
how to exercise your calf muscles
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!