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[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Lmao 😁
some cats are just doing for fun!
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice