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Printer ink is expensive
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
plums roundup
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN