You Might Also Like
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
ATMs should have breathalyzers
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”