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You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
me 2 months after i graduated
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no