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2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
lmao😭🤣
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself