You Might Also Like
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.