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Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?