You Might Also Like
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?