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Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.