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[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
incredible google review i just found
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night